How Would You Know?

i was reading a blog the other day. A friend of mine wrote it. Quite a close friend in fact. And she blogged about how she she is coping with the after effect of her breaking-up with her now ex-boyfriend.

I must say it is a long term effect done onto her, since the break-up was almost 2 years back now. I was rather surprise that she is still not ready for another relationship.

She started off jokingly with how her relatives questioned her about getting a special someone since we're all not that young anymore. And then i think she got a little emotional and started telling how hard she find it hard to give her heart out to trust someone again.

We've been friends for many years now, and we've been close friends. I can feel the way she did when she wrote that post, those specific lines, filled with pain.

And i really wished that she can slowly let someone into her heart once again.

I've always thought i'm a lucky person to be able to find my way back into love everytime. It's either that or i'm one heartless son of a bitch. Sorry mom. i don't mean you, it was just an expression.

How do i know how she feels? Well, i've been through break-ups as well; twice with one & countless with the other. I've been to the bottom of the deepest canyon of sorrow before, but thanks to my friends i was pulled all the way up again. That's why i treasure my friends so much in my life.

There were times when i needed someone so badly i cried myself to sleep, without anyone knowing it.

There were times when i lost all confidence in myself to the extent i do not dare to look into the mirror.

There were times when my heart ache so much i feel like giving myself up.

I know at times i tend to be a little bit over-emotional, perhaps that is how i am. i rely on my heart too much to make a decision for me when i needed the most rational decision ever. And we all know when you listen to your heart, not your head, the best things may not come all the time.

There is always a "But" in everything. Never give up. Going through pain is a growing up process. If one have never lose something, he will never learn how to appreciate.

I remember the first time i was in a relationship, i would blame her for every negative emotion i feel. Blaming her for causing all the pressure on me. Now when i think back, i feel like slapping myself for being such a jerk.

Then i thought i learn something form there, and improvise from the second. And i got hurt instead. When my defensive mode comes up, she got hurt in return. It took us 4 years to end it. Now when i think back, i feel like slapping myself again for all those tears she drop because of me.

This is the third time cupid shot me. I'm still wondering if i'm doing a good job as a boyfriend. Am i patience enough, am i sensitive enough, do i care enough for her.

I know i want this more than anything else to work out because i don't think i can ever find someone else as supportive, as understanding, as appreciative of how i am, what i want to do, and who i want to be.

I know we might not be the perfect couple, we might not look very good together, maybe i'm not good enough for her, maybe there are things that neither of us can accept of each other.

Like i say there is always a "But". i'll do whatever it takes to make this work. Because i know i want this more than anything else.

"WE" will be a year soon. Looking forward to it.








ChiM